Where have I been? Well, I can't really say. Remember that huge nuclear attack that wiped out most of Europe last week? No? That's because I'm good at my job baby. Moving on...
Now where were we? Ah yes, Aquaria. Last time I scribbled about this I got nicely tucked into the opening hour of a seemingly inoffensive little indie number about swimming around a little underwater maze. Around and around and around I'd go, making little splashes and singing to aquatic fauna. Yey.
KILL ME! AH GOD KILL ME NOW!
There's nothing particularily hateful about Aquaria. It's been quite well made, the graphics have a charm in a kind of PopCap way, and the sounds and music are all delightful. The problem that exsists however is that the swimming machanic is by no means as pleasant as the developers (and possibly Ben) seem to think it is.
I get the idea that I'm supposed to be soothed by the tranquil nature of a little nymph (not that kind) delicatley swanning peacfully around an aquatic maze, watching the fish mull about and dodging the odd splash of mild peril. My god though it drove me to distraction.
|This is about as exciting as it gets. See that eel? Yeah, just there. Woo.|
I think the chunk of coral stuck in my foot is my absolute hatred of mazes. Stick a maze in a game and I instantly switch off. Solving a maze is zero fun. Now, introduce a little mechanic where I can place my own breadcrumb trail, or perhaps sign the wall of the underwater hamster run so I can navigate around and I might be interested, but solving an endless grey warren of grey corral using nothing but memory whilst doggy paddling at infuriatingly low speeds drove me off the waterfall and into a hair pulling white churn of anger.
I was teased with promise of some bullet hell at one point but dunking me back in paddling mode only made things more frustrating. I could never find my home base. The bizarre mini map seemed to want to help me but refused to do so clearly, so I couldn't for the life of me find my way around. Add to that a truly bizarre check-pointing system that meant that every time I got bored and turned it off I restarted AGES away. I've completed the maze-symbol-spinny-rock-picking-up-puzzle FOUR times now.
Completing said puzzle led me to a power which allowed me to move rocks around, ones which I had recalled seeing dotted around the place. Back through the maze we go to unlock further parts of what could be a dungeon only to find out I wasn't in the right one and had to waddle over to the other side of the map to progress further. A map I might add, that as well as being a confusing underwater ant farm decides to add further misery by using currents to force some access routes as one way systems. Drowning at this point is starting to become quite alluring.
|If I have to solve this door puzzle ONE MORE TIME I'm going mermaid fishing.|
There are the occasional threats in the murky puddle you're plodging around in. These come in the form of horizontally obsessed turtles with little spikes on their shells, and the odd jelly fish. And to end on as wet a note as possible, this is how my Ferengi lugged fish met her end. At least I think it is.
|What?! Oh do sush.|
Time: Don't Know
Reason: Don't Care